This sucks beyond the telling of it...

I just got dumped. It’s truly heartbreaking to find that the person you loved for so long isn’t really the person you thought they were. In a nutshell, my best friend decided that acquiescing to her new boyfriend’s request that she cease communications with me is reasonable. He is afraid that I am going to steal her from him. To be fair, though I might try, this would never happen because 1. He can kick my ass. 2. She’s the type of person that has to make up her mind on things for herself. No one can steal her, she would have to run away. And 3. She would never want me in that way. If she ever did, that day has passed long ago.

There are times to fight, and times to walk away. If I thought for just one second that she would listen to me, I would fight this in a heartbeat. I know for a fact that the only way she is going to get out of this situation is for me to walk away. If I fight for her, she won’t see it as some big romantic gesture or even a gesture of caring. She will simply dig her heels in and I will definitely lose her. Though I would love to remain friends, it’s looking more and more like that won’t happen. My end game here is to do what will make her happy and what will be the best for her. I’m always going to be a symbol to her of what went wrong, and I’m not sure that is something that will ever go away or something that we can get over. The bottom line, in my way of thinking, is that her boyfriend is not right for her, regardless of my involvement. What he is doing to her right now, isolating her from her friends, making demands and limits on what she can and can’t do, is tantamount to emotional abuse. She is too strong and independent to put up with this for long. It just terrifies me how fast she acquiesced to his request. He is acting like a petulant child that found out that at some point, some one else coveted his new toy. It doesn’t matter if those feelings mellowed; he interprets any interest as an attack. She has admitted to me that he is known to be manipulating, but she swears he has never manipulated her. At the time, I believed her. Now, I am full of doubt. He allowed things, then the second he could, he revoked permission and made her grovel for forgiveness for previously allowed exploits.

More than anything, this whole situation just makes me sad. I truly do not see what she sees in him. Obviously it is enough to remove me from her life. Maybe if I could see that, I could more easily see why she chose this path. More than being sad about losing her, I’m sad for her. Perhaps she will come to her senses some day, or he will, and she will come back to me. At this point though, I don’t think that we will ever be as close as we once were. They say it is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. She will go down in the annuls of my life as the first girl I loved and lost and the only one if I have anything to say about it. She will always have a corner of my heart, but I am quite sure that she will remain the only girl there.

So yes, Kristin. I will walk away. I will never forget about you or the times we shared. I will not try to make this more difficult for you. Just do me a favor: When you are all grown up and in the real world, remember me and all of the fun times we had. I don’t want to think that I am forgettable to you. Though our paths will probably never cross again, I will miss you. I truly hope that you live happily ever after and maybe one day you will look me up and tell me all about it.

And Happy Birthday. For this birthday and all the ones on which I may not get to wish you well.

And so it begins (again)

Though it may seem like I am setting up a blog for the sole purpose of reviewing Taking Leave (a noble cause to be sure and a review is forthcoming), in all actuality, I'm setting this up because I feel like I have changed too much to be able to use my old blog. Not to mention my old blog is hosted on xanga and I have always disliked the setup of that site and no one uses it anymore. That blog existed for working through some of the various neurosis involved in growing up and getting Celiac and other medical maladies that made me not really who I was. It was kind of like that episode of the X-Files when the guy repeats over and over "We are not who we are." Just like that (except for the prehistoric parasites and killings, of course). So, to people who have followed me over here from there, hello again and to anyone who happens to stumble upon this now, hello hello.

So briefly about me to catch you up:

• I am a tv nerdfighter.

• I know an abundance of completely useless trivia. (7up originally contained lithium, and first became popular during the Great Depression because of it)

• I'm studying to be an occupational therapist. (4 more semesters after this one and I will have my masters)
  

• I am hoping to eventually get a job as an OT in a VA hospital. I want to be able to serve my country, as corny as it sounds.
  

• When I was little, I wanted to be a FBI agent just like Scully on The X-Files, and then I realized that I am horrible in running in heels. I think working in a hospital solving a different kind of mystery is more up my alley.

• I love music, especially if it is intelligently written. Which is a snobby thing to say, I realize, but I like stories and poetry more than mindless repetition.

• I'm currently living in Arkansas. It's a beautiful state, but a Nerdfighter mecca it is not.

Also, I probably want to be your friend.