I just posted my very first youtube video. It is based off of my last post. I like it, but I am up for hearing that it sucks. Provided that you follow up that admission with indicating how I can make my next video better.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NnFlCmD1vKc
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Suck It Up
How come no one in vampire movies realize they are about to be eaten until its too late? I have a tendency to get myself involved in creepy situations, but when I am about to be eaten and killed, I think I would notice. And how come they don’t realize that they are bleeding everywhere until they look? There are very few things that feel like tearing flesh. Top of the list? Broken flesh. When it feels like someone bites you hard, and there is too much moisture to be saliva, chances are good that you are bleeding and you need to get the hell out of there. Or, alternately, injure them in some way and suck their blood right back. It's a whole big sucking thing that leaves you still not alive, but at least not really dead. I'm just saying, pay attention and don't let yourself be victimized. If you have to make them an unwilling sire, by all means do it. Or, you can go ahead and not hang out with vampires or really really pale guys with no pulse that are never seen in sunlight unless you have a death wish.*
*None of this applies if they sparkle in the sunlight, because you can totally take them. Trust me on this one.
*None of this applies if they sparkle in the sunlight, because you can totally take them. Trust me on this one.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Blargle
Alright, so since last we spoke, I have:
In conclusion, what she did was crap and it has long reaching consequences that affect more than just the friendship. She made a horrible choice that screwed me over. She told me she loved me, I said the same, and I get punished for it. I am glad that I am together enough to be able to see that this will have a point to it, that everything happens for a reason even if I can't see it right now. I just wish I could fast forward to that point in my life. I really wish I could see how she is doing right now. I'm sick of being the bigger person who sacrifices for her. That is what I always did. I held my tongue throughout my friendship with her, throughout all of the things that happened, and I was fine with that because deep down I knew she loved me in some way. Then I get that confirmed and she runs away while pushing me down. I thought I was the girl she thought was worth fighting for and I wasn't.
And now, as always, I'm whining.
So I wasn't that girl to her and our whole relationship was built on a misconception. So what? I need to move the frak on. I will find the one worth fighting for and God willing they will see me the same way. Who cares whether they are male or female or close or far or soon or later. It will happen. Or it won't. In the meantime, it has to become my priority to become okay with that. I need to be happy with all the things I have now. I have family that drive me crazy, but will always be there for me and I for them. I have a new church who just wants me to find happiness and peace and help others get to that point as well. I have new/old friends who have come out of the woodwork and back into my life that don't know me all that well, but I know that I could call any of them and they would try to help me in any way that they could. I have plenty of things to be happy about. And plenty of things to occupy my time. Even if I got her back, it wouldn't be the same. We lost any chance at happiness together months ago. I know how she scores the games now, so I'm not going to be able to fall back together how we were. And that is deeply saddening and makes me cry, but there is nothing I can do about it. So why don't I focus on the things that I can actually change.
- dumped the boy
- dated him again
- dumped him again
- had a come-to-jesus meeting (in an entirely religious way)
- and missed her all the more.
In conclusion, what she did was crap and it has long reaching consequences that affect more than just the friendship. She made a horrible choice that screwed me over. She told me she loved me, I said the same, and I get punished for it. I am glad that I am together enough to be able to see that this will have a point to it, that everything happens for a reason even if I can't see it right now. I just wish I could fast forward to that point in my life. I really wish I could see how she is doing right now. I'm sick of being the bigger person who sacrifices for her. That is what I always did. I held my tongue throughout my friendship with her, throughout all of the things that happened, and I was fine with that because deep down I knew she loved me in some way. Then I get that confirmed and she runs away while pushing me down. I thought I was the girl she thought was worth fighting for and I wasn't.
And now, as always, I'm whining.
So I wasn't that girl to her and our whole relationship was built on a misconception. So what? I need to move the frak on. I will find the one worth fighting for and God willing they will see me the same way. Who cares whether they are male or female or close or far or soon or later. It will happen. Or it won't. In the meantime, it has to become my priority to become okay with that. I need to be happy with all the things I have now. I have family that drive me crazy, but will always be there for me and I for them. I have a new church who just wants me to find happiness and peace and help others get to that point as well. I have new/old friends who have come out of the woodwork and back into my life that don't know me all that well, but I know that I could call any of them and they would try to help me in any way that they could. I have plenty of things to be happy about. And plenty of things to occupy my time. Even if I got her back, it wouldn't be the same. We lost any chance at happiness together months ago. I know how she scores the games now, so I'm not going to be able to fall back together how we were. And that is deeply saddening and makes me cry, but there is nothing I can do about it. So why don't I focus on the things that I can actually change.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Self-destruction, party of one.
I think I’m cracking up. Honest to God cracking up. Things with Matt could have gone better… I called him and talked to him, and thought he understood things. Then, he shows up at my door wanting to talk things over. There was nothing to talk about, but I let him in and we talked. He couldn’t let go, so I had to tell him that I was all for pre-marital sex, hell, I think it should be encouraged. He looked at me and just said, “Ohhhh. You’re one of those.” And then he looked at me like I was a whore and then left. In the middle of all of this, the pastor from the church I went to on Sunday showed up and wanted to tell me how much they enjoyed having me at their church and how they hoped I would come back. That made me feel slightly better.
I told Alan that I was not having the best day, and his solution was to take me to a party, which is a place I don’t really feel all that comfortable, but it was good to get out of my shell. Well, it was good, until I think it went too far. I’m sitting there, alone in a crowd, and I realize that going from one extreme to another isn’t really me either. I need to find somewhere in the middle I can reside. Instead, I surround myself with people from two camps: The hyper-religious and the super-hippies. So far, pretty much everyone I meet in Arkansas falls into one of those two categories. It is not necessarily bad to be either of these things. I just tend to fall somewhere in the middle, and I would like to meet people of a like mind. People who think that religion is just a useful social institution to keep the masses in line, that God is just an invention of the panic-inducing thought that maybe we are all alone in the universe. Someone straight edge within reason… like a gently curved line. Someone who isn’t strictly opposed to drugs and alcohol, just likes to have a good time without them. Someone who….
It doesn’t matter. I am surrounded by the people I am surrounded by and that is the end of that. I have no choice about that until I have the chance to move out of the small town mentality of the South and into a more liberal part of the country. There is a way of life here that I wish I could embrace, but I just don’t think it is ever going to happen. I think my only option for happiness is to stop caring. I need to start living the way that I want to live and stop feeling bad about my convictions and actions. If you don’t like who I am and how I behave, then I shouldn’t really triffle with you, now should I? As John Green once said, “The Venn Diagram of people who don’t think you are smart and people you shouldn’t date is a circle.”
I have three years left in this town. I have three years before I get out for good if all goes as planned. So, here’s the question: Do I really want to be alone that long? If I seek out relationships, they are inevitably going to get complicated and keep me from leaving after that. I will be 23 when I set out to conquer the world. Do I want to be shackled during that? The very thought that it would be like being shackled should give me my answer. It is hard for me, impossible so far, for me to form lasting emotional connections. Why should I keep torturing myself and the people I date by dating? It just seems mean at this point. I date for a week, then I get antsy and end it. Would it be possible for me to warn the next person? Say, “You’ve got a week, make the most of it?” If neither of us go in with any long term expectations maybe I could find a way to date and not feel guilty about it. I stay with people, hell, I start dating people because I want to make them happy. I know that they like me, and I don’t hate them, so I just go with it.
Maybe I need counseling. I don’t know. I seem to have recognized my problems and that still doesn’t stop me from acting upon them, so I don’t know what help an outside force will be. I think I need to make a list of goals.
1. Say no at least once every two days. Obviously not if it’s true, but turn down a request or a question. This includes if someone asks me about my beliefs. Don’t downplay that I am liberal.
2. No dating. If I need to find someone to cuddle with, I get a heating pad and a pillow or I go to Alan. End of story.
3. If I am uncomfortable with something, speak up. I can’t stay silent my whole life. If something bothers me and saying so will help the situation, speak up.
4. Start eating better and just taking care of myself. This means a bedtime of 9:00 (pajamas) and computer off at 10:30. If I sleep better, maybe my emotions will even out. Remember, nothing good happens after midnight. One night every month curfew will be extended to 11:00, with a 12:00 lights out.
5. Talk to people. Find things I have in common with them and talk to them. Just because it isn’t a good idea to date people, doesn’t mean that I can’t cultivate friendships.
6. No confessions of love or liking. They are just to please people or because my brain tells me it is the socially expected thing to do. I have to quit that shit.
7. No physical contact that lasts longer than 5 seconds. Any longer, and I will give in to the desire of human contact and try to prolong it by any means possible and that only leads to problems.
8. Gym every Monday, Friday, and one day over the weekend, as well as one other day during the week. 5 miles or one hour… whichever comes second.
I need a punishment system, but as it is past 10:30, that will have to wait for another day. Perhaps an extra day at the gym? Or an extra half hour?
These seem like strict rules for a 20 year old in her third year of living alone, but it’s the only solution I have. In all honesty, no one choice I have made is that bad. Nothing has been done that can’t be overcome, but my life is stressful and I’m sick of it. I need to be planning for the long run, not the short. Plenty of people go to college to find their ideal mate, and if I do, great. But I am done with the meet and date. There will now and forever be a strict vetting process in place. I’m not moving as fast as I have been. I am done with the ephemeral process I’ve been going with. It’s awkward for me. It’s not so much painful for me as it is painful to do that to the people I date. I hate doing it, and yet I keep doing it. These rules are the only way I can think of to keep from hurting people. Maybe it’s not my responsibility to guard the hearts of others, but I am going to do my best anyway.
I told Alan that I was not having the best day, and his solution was to take me to a party, which is a place I don’t really feel all that comfortable, but it was good to get out of my shell. Well, it was good, until I think it went too far. I’m sitting there, alone in a crowd, and I realize that going from one extreme to another isn’t really me either. I need to find somewhere in the middle I can reside. Instead, I surround myself with people from two camps: The hyper-religious and the super-hippies. So far, pretty much everyone I meet in Arkansas falls into one of those two categories. It is not necessarily bad to be either of these things. I just tend to fall somewhere in the middle, and I would like to meet people of a like mind. People who think that religion is just a useful social institution to keep the masses in line, that God is just an invention of the panic-inducing thought that maybe we are all alone in the universe. Someone straight edge within reason… like a gently curved line. Someone who isn’t strictly opposed to drugs and alcohol, just likes to have a good time without them. Someone who….
It doesn’t matter. I am surrounded by the people I am surrounded by and that is the end of that. I have no choice about that until I have the chance to move out of the small town mentality of the South and into a more liberal part of the country. There is a way of life here that I wish I could embrace, but I just don’t think it is ever going to happen. I think my only option for happiness is to stop caring. I need to start living the way that I want to live and stop feeling bad about my convictions and actions. If you don’t like who I am and how I behave, then I shouldn’t really triffle with you, now should I? As John Green once said, “The Venn Diagram of people who don’t think you are smart and people you shouldn’t date is a circle.”
I have three years left in this town. I have three years before I get out for good if all goes as planned. So, here’s the question: Do I really want to be alone that long? If I seek out relationships, they are inevitably going to get complicated and keep me from leaving after that. I will be 23 when I set out to conquer the world. Do I want to be shackled during that? The very thought that it would be like being shackled should give me my answer. It is hard for me, impossible so far, for me to form lasting emotional connections. Why should I keep torturing myself and the people I date by dating? It just seems mean at this point. I date for a week, then I get antsy and end it. Would it be possible for me to warn the next person? Say, “You’ve got a week, make the most of it?” If neither of us go in with any long term expectations maybe I could find a way to date and not feel guilty about it. I stay with people, hell, I start dating people because I want to make them happy. I know that they like me, and I don’t hate them, so I just go with it.
Maybe I need counseling. I don’t know. I seem to have recognized my problems and that still doesn’t stop me from acting upon them, so I don’t know what help an outside force will be. I think I need to make a list of goals.
1. Say no at least once every two days. Obviously not if it’s true, but turn down a request or a question. This includes if someone asks me about my beliefs. Don’t downplay that I am liberal.
2. No dating. If I need to find someone to cuddle with, I get a heating pad and a pillow or I go to Alan. End of story.
3. If I am uncomfortable with something, speak up. I can’t stay silent my whole life. If something bothers me and saying so will help the situation, speak up.
4. Start eating better and just taking care of myself. This means a bedtime of 9:00 (pajamas) and computer off at 10:30. If I sleep better, maybe my emotions will even out. Remember, nothing good happens after midnight. One night every month curfew will be extended to 11:00, with a 12:00 lights out.
5. Talk to people. Find things I have in common with them and talk to them. Just because it isn’t a good idea to date people, doesn’t mean that I can’t cultivate friendships.
6. No confessions of love or liking. They are just to please people or because my brain tells me it is the socially expected thing to do. I have to quit that shit.
7. No physical contact that lasts longer than 5 seconds. Any longer, and I will give in to the desire of human contact and try to prolong it by any means possible and that only leads to problems.
8. Gym every Monday, Friday, and one day over the weekend, as well as one other day during the week. 5 miles or one hour… whichever comes second.
I need a punishment system, but as it is past 10:30, that will have to wait for another day. Perhaps an extra day at the gym? Or an extra half hour?
These seem like strict rules for a 20 year old in her third year of living alone, but it’s the only solution I have. In all honesty, no one choice I have made is that bad. Nothing has been done that can’t be overcome, but my life is stressful and I’m sick of it. I need to be planning for the long run, not the short. Plenty of people go to college to find their ideal mate, and if I do, great. But I am done with the meet and date. There will now and forever be a strict vetting process in place. I’m not moving as fast as I have been. I am done with the ephemeral process I’ve been going with. It’s awkward for me. It’s not so much painful for me as it is painful to do that to the people I date. I hate doing it, and yet I keep doing it. These rules are the only way I can think of to keep from hurting people. Maybe it’s not my responsibility to guard the hearts of others, but I am going to do my best anyway.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Come to Jesus Meeting... in and entirely not-religious way.
I do not want to have this conversation. It is never fun to pull down the wool and completely shatter what someone has imagined you to be. I feel like Margo. I wish he had imagined me more complexly. If he has, maybe I wouldn't have to explain to him that religion is not that important to me and that I believe that it exists only as an important social institution, not because anything they say is true. I think that more than the fact that I'm not a "believer," he's going to be a bit shocked at just how liberal I am.
On the bright side, if he still likes me after this, maybe its worth sticking around for. For that matter, maybe he has been hiding the same sorts of things. Hiding isn't the right term. I didn't hide or obfuscate things, it just never came up. If he doesn't, then he's not. Its a pretty clear litmus test. I mean, if we aren't matched, we aren't matched. I just know that this conversation is going to hurt him and freak him out and I don't really get off on causing pain like that. And even if he is okay with the differences between our ideology, do I really want a relationship? I'm leaning towards no on that one. So maybe having this conversation is a gamble that I want to lose. If it ends things, I think we would still be friendly. And that would be nice as I don't want to have to stop going to ballroom dance.
Why do I do this to myself? And to others, for that matter? I knew that I was happy being single, being unattached, and yet I fell into this thing, this whatever-the-hell. And not only did I fall into it, I fell into it with a religious boy who had never been kissed before. And I kissed him. If there is a Hell, I'm going to the special one. Poor Choices = me. plus, am I done sowing my wild oats? I really don't think I am. Hell, I never got started sowing. If I date Matt, I am terrified that I will never get that chance. I'm 20. I really don't want to settle down. But that is what he's offering. If I date him, I can say goodbye to girls and other boys and everything inbetween. I am terrified that I am going to wake up in 15 years with a husband and kids that I hate, or at the very least feel nothing strongly towards. Why do I have such difficulty forming strong emotional connections? Is it just that I haven't met the right person yet, or... That's a lie. I am able to form emotional bonds, until I kiss them. Maybe I should start pulling a Jayne and "never kiss 'em on the mouth." I want to have no strings attached sex and figure out who i am in that realm before I am forced to settle down by society.
If I stay with him and he is agreeing to disagree, I will cheat on him. And that is something I swore I never would do. I can't stay with him if he disagrees. It's not fair to either of us. I have to hope that he takes this badly and gives me an out. I shouldn't have kissed him. It just happened. I think I might need a punch to the face because I am a complete idiot.
There are three options here.
On the bright side, if he still likes me after this, maybe its worth sticking around for. For that matter, maybe he has been hiding the same sorts of things. Hiding isn't the right term. I didn't hide or obfuscate things, it just never came up. If he doesn't, then he's not. Its a pretty clear litmus test. I mean, if we aren't matched, we aren't matched. I just know that this conversation is going to hurt him and freak him out and I don't really get off on causing pain like that. And even if he is okay with the differences between our ideology, do I really want a relationship? I'm leaning towards no on that one. So maybe having this conversation is a gamble that I want to lose. If it ends things, I think we would still be friendly. And that would be nice as I don't want to have to stop going to ballroom dance.
Why do I do this to myself? And to others, for that matter? I knew that I was happy being single, being unattached, and yet I fell into this thing, this whatever-the-hell. And not only did I fall into it, I fell into it with a religious boy who had never been kissed before. And I kissed him. If there is a Hell, I'm going to the special one. Poor Choices = me. plus, am I done sowing my wild oats? I really don't think I am. Hell, I never got started sowing. If I date Matt, I am terrified that I will never get that chance. I'm 20. I really don't want to settle down. But that is what he's offering. If I date him, I can say goodbye to girls and other boys and everything inbetween. I am terrified that I am going to wake up in 15 years with a husband and kids that I hate, or at the very least feel nothing strongly towards. Why do I have such difficulty forming strong emotional connections? Is it just that I haven't met the right person yet, or... That's a lie. I am able to form emotional bonds, until I kiss them. Maybe I should start pulling a Jayne and "never kiss 'em on the mouth." I want to have no strings attached sex and figure out who i am in that realm before I am forced to settle down by society.
If I stay with him and he is agreeing to disagree, I will cheat on him. And that is something I swore I never would do. I can't stay with him if he disagrees. It's not fair to either of us. I have to hope that he takes this badly and gives me an out. I shouldn't have kissed him. It just happened. I think I might need a punch to the face because I am a complete idiot.
There are three options here.
- He takes it badly and I am off the hook.
- He takes it well and shares the same ideology, and I am left to muddle through and settle but will at least not have to feel guilty about not wanting to go to church.
- He takes it badly but wants to give it the old college try and agree to disagree.
Friday, August 14, 2009
This sucks beyond the telling of it...
I just got dumped. It’s truly heartbreaking to find that the person you loved for so long isn’t really the person you thought they were. In a nutshell, my best friend decided that acquiescing to her new boyfriend’s request that she cease communications with me is reasonable. He is afraid that I am going to steal her from him. To be fair, though I might try, this would never happen because 1. He can kick my ass. 2. She’s the type of person that has to make up her mind on things for herself. No one can steal her, she would have to run away. And 3. She would never want me in that way. If she ever did, that day has passed long ago.
There are times to fight, and times to walk away. If I thought for just one second that she would listen to me, I would fight this in a heartbeat. I know for a fact that the only way she is going to get out of this situation is for me to walk away. If I fight for her, she won’t see it as some big romantic gesture or even a gesture of caring. She will simply dig her heels in and I will definitely lose her. Though I would love to remain friends, it’s looking more and more like that won’t happen. My end game here is to do what will make her happy and what will be the best for her. I’m always going to be a symbol to her of what went wrong, and I’m not sure that is something that will ever go away or something that we can get over. The bottom line, in my way of thinking, is that her boyfriend is not right for her, regardless of my involvement. What he is doing to her right now, isolating her from her friends, making demands and limits on what she can and can’t do, is tantamount to emotional abuse. She is too strong and independent to put up with this for long. It just terrifies me how fast she acquiesced to his request. He is acting like a petulant child that found out that at some point, some one else coveted his new toy. It doesn’t matter if those feelings mellowed; he interprets any interest as an attack. She has admitted to me that he is known to be manipulating, but she swears he has never manipulated her. At the time, I believed her. Now, I am full of doubt. He allowed things, then the second he could, he revoked permission and made her grovel for forgiveness for previously allowed exploits.
More than anything, this whole situation just makes me sad. I truly do not see what she sees in him. Obviously it is enough to remove me from her life. Maybe if I could see that, I could more easily see why she chose this path. More than being sad about losing her, I’m sad for her. Perhaps she will come to her senses some day, or he will, and she will come back to me. At this point though, I don’t think that we will ever be as close as we once were. They say it is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. She will go down in the annuls of my life as the first girl I loved and lost and the only one if I have anything to say about it. She will always have a corner of my heart, but I am quite sure that she will remain the only girl there.
So yes, Kristin. I will walk away. I will never forget about you or the times we shared. I will not try to make this more difficult for you. Just do me a favor: When you are all grown up and in the real world, remember me and all of the fun times we had. I don’t want to think that I am forgettable to you. Though our paths will probably never cross again, I will miss you. I truly hope that you live happily ever after and maybe one day you will look me up and tell me all about it.
And Happy Birthday. For this birthday and all the ones on which I may not get to wish you well.
There are times to fight, and times to walk away. If I thought for just one second that she would listen to me, I would fight this in a heartbeat. I know for a fact that the only way she is going to get out of this situation is for me to walk away. If I fight for her, she won’t see it as some big romantic gesture or even a gesture of caring. She will simply dig her heels in and I will definitely lose her. Though I would love to remain friends, it’s looking more and more like that won’t happen. My end game here is to do what will make her happy and what will be the best for her. I’m always going to be a symbol to her of what went wrong, and I’m not sure that is something that will ever go away or something that we can get over. The bottom line, in my way of thinking, is that her boyfriend is not right for her, regardless of my involvement. What he is doing to her right now, isolating her from her friends, making demands and limits on what she can and can’t do, is tantamount to emotional abuse. She is too strong and independent to put up with this for long. It just terrifies me how fast she acquiesced to his request. He is acting like a petulant child that found out that at some point, some one else coveted his new toy. It doesn’t matter if those feelings mellowed; he interprets any interest as an attack. She has admitted to me that he is known to be manipulating, but she swears he has never manipulated her. At the time, I believed her. Now, I am full of doubt. He allowed things, then the second he could, he revoked permission and made her grovel for forgiveness for previously allowed exploits.
More than anything, this whole situation just makes me sad. I truly do not see what she sees in him. Obviously it is enough to remove me from her life. Maybe if I could see that, I could more easily see why she chose this path. More than being sad about losing her, I’m sad for her. Perhaps she will come to her senses some day, or he will, and she will come back to me. At this point though, I don’t think that we will ever be as close as we once were. They say it is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. She will go down in the annuls of my life as the first girl I loved and lost and the only one if I have anything to say about it. She will always have a corner of my heart, but I am quite sure that she will remain the only girl there.
So yes, Kristin. I will walk away. I will never forget about you or the times we shared. I will not try to make this more difficult for you. Just do me a favor: When you are all grown up and in the real world, remember me and all of the fun times we had. I don’t want to think that I am forgettable to you. Though our paths will probably never cross again, I will miss you. I truly hope that you live happily ever after and maybe one day you will look me up and tell me all about it.
And Happy Birthday. For this birthday and all the ones on which I may not get to wish you well.
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