Self-destruction, party of one.

I think I’m cracking up. Honest to God cracking up. Things with Matt could have gone better… I called him and talked to him, and thought he understood things. Then, he shows up at my door wanting to talk things over. There was nothing to talk about, but I let him in and we talked. He couldn’t let go, so I had to tell him that I was all for pre-marital sex, hell, I think it should be encouraged. He looked at me and just said, “Ohhhh. You’re one of those.” And then he looked at me like I was a whore and then left. In the middle of all of this, the pastor from the church I went to on Sunday showed up and wanted to tell me how much they enjoyed having me at their church and how they hoped I would come back. That made me feel slightly better.

I told Alan that I was not having the best day, and his solution was to take me to a party, which is a place I don’t really feel all that comfortable, but it was good to get out of my shell. Well, it was good, until I think it went too far. I’m sitting there, alone in a crowd, and I realize that going from one extreme to another isn’t really me either. I need to find somewhere in the middle I can reside. Instead, I surround myself with people from two camps: The hyper-religious and the super-hippies. So far, pretty much everyone I meet in Arkansas falls into one of those two categories. It is not necessarily bad to be either of these things. I just tend to fall somewhere in the middle, and I would like to meet people of a like mind. People who think that religion is just a useful social institution to keep the masses in line, that God is just an invention of the panic-inducing thought that maybe we are all alone in the universe. Someone straight edge within reason… like a gently curved line. Someone who isn’t strictly opposed to drugs and alcohol, just likes to have a good time without them. Someone who….

It doesn’t matter. I am surrounded by the people I am surrounded by and that is the end of that. I have no choice about that until I have the chance to move out of the small town mentality of the South and into a more liberal part of the country. There is a way of life here that I wish I could embrace, but I just don’t think it is ever going to happen. I think my only option for happiness is to stop caring. I need to start living the way that I want to live and stop feeling bad about my convictions and actions. If you don’t like who I am and how I behave, then I shouldn’t really triffle with you, now should I? As John Green once said, “The Venn Diagram of people who don’t think you are smart and people you shouldn’t date is a circle.”

I have three years left in this town. I have three years before I get out for good if all goes as planned. So, here’s the question: Do I really want to be alone that long? If I seek out relationships, they are inevitably going to get complicated and keep me from leaving after that. I will be 23 when I set out to conquer the world. Do I want to be shackled during that? The very thought that it would be like being shackled should give me my answer. It is hard for me, impossible so far, for me to form lasting emotional connections. Why should I keep torturing myself and the people I date by dating? It just seems mean at this point. I date for a week, then I get antsy and end it. Would it be possible for me to warn the next person? Say, “You’ve got a week, make the most of it?” If neither of us go in with any long term expectations maybe I could find a way to date and not feel guilty about it. I stay with people, hell, I start dating people because I want to make them happy. I know that they like me, and I don’t hate them, so I just go with it.

Maybe I need counseling. I don’t know. I seem to have recognized my problems and that still doesn’t stop me from acting upon them, so I don’t know what help an outside force will be. I think I need to make a list of goals.

1. Say no at least once every two days. Obviously not if it’s true, but turn down a request or a question. This includes if someone asks me about my beliefs. Don’t downplay that I am liberal.
2. No dating. If I need to find someone to cuddle with, I get a heating pad and a pillow or I go to Alan. End of story.
3. If I am uncomfortable with something, speak up. I can’t stay silent my whole life. If something bothers me and saying so will help the situation, speak up.
4. Start eating better and just taking care of myself. This means a bedtime of 9:00 (pajamas) and computer off at 10:30. If I sleep better, maybe my emotions will even out. Remember, nothing good happens after midnight. One night every month curfew will be extended to 11:00, with a 12:00 lights out.
5. Talk to people. Find things I have in common with them and talk to them. Just because it isn’t a good idea to date people, doesn’t mean that I can’t cultivate friendships.
6. No confessions of love or liking. They are just to please people or because my brain tells me it is the socially expected thing to do. I have to quit that shit.
7. No physical contact that lasts longer than 5 seconds. Any longer, and I will give in to the desire of human contact and try to prolong it by any means possible and that only leads to problems.
8. Gym every Monday, Friday, and one day over the weekend, as well as one other day during the week. 5 miles or one hour… whichever comes second.

I need a punishment system, but as it is past 10:30, that will have to wait for another day. Perhaps an extra day at the gym? Or an extra half hour?

These seem like strict rules for a 20 year old in her third year of living alone, but it’s the only solution I have. In all honesty, no one choice I have made is that bad. Nothing has been done that can’t be overcome, but my life is stressful and I’m sick of it. I need to be planning for the long run, not the short. Plenty of people go to college to find their ideal mate, and if I do, great. But I am done with the meet and date. There will now and forever be a strict vetting process in place. I’m not moving as fast as I have been. I am done with the ephemeral process I’ve been going with. It’s awkward for me. It’s not so much painful for me as it is painful to do that to the people I date. I hate doing it, and yet I keep doing it. These rules are the only way I can think of to keep from hurting people. Maybe it’s not my responsibility to guard the hearts of others, but I am going to do my best anyway.

Come to Jesus Meeting... in and entirely not-religious way.

I do not want to have this conversation. It is never fun to pull down the wool and completely shatter what someone has imagined you to be. I feel like Margo. I wish he had imagined me more complexly. If he has, maybe I wouldn't have to explain to him that religion is not that important to me and that I believe that it exists only as an important social institution, not because anything they say is true. I think that more than the fact that I'm not a "believer," he's going to be a bit shocked at just how liberal I am.

On the bright side, if he still likes me after this, maybe its worth sticking around for. For that matter, maybe he has been hiding the same sorts of things. Hiding isn't the right term. I didn't hide or obfuscate things, it just never came up. If he doesn't, then he's not. Its a pretty clear litmus test. I mean, if we aren't matched, we aren't matched. I just know that this conversation is going to hurt him and freak him out and I don't really get off on causing pain like that. And even if he is okay with the differences between our ideology, do I really want a relationship? I'm leaning towards no on that one. So maybe having this conversation is a gamble that I want to lose. If it ends things, I think we would still be friendly. And that would be nice as I don't want to have to stop going to ballroom dance.

Why do I do this to myself? And to others, for that matter? I knew that I was happy being single, being unattached, and yet I fell into this thing, this whatever-the-hell. And not only did I fall into it, I fell into it with a religious boy who had never been kissed before. And I kissed him. If there is a Hell, I'm going to the special one. Poor Choices = me. plus, am I done sowing my wild oats? I really don't think I am. Hell, I never got started sowing. If I date Matt, I am terrified that I will never get that chance. I'm 20. I really don't want to settle down. But that is what he's offering. If I date him, I can say goodbye to girls and other boys and everything inbetween. I am terrified that I am going to wake up in 15 years with a husband and kids that I hate, or at the very least feel nothing strongly towards. Why do I have such difficulty forming strong emotional connections? Is it just that I haven't met the right person yet, or... That's a lie. I am able to form emotional bonds, until I kiss them. Maybe I should start pulling a Jayne and "never kiss 'em on the mouth." I want to have no strings attached sex and figure out who i am in that realm before I am forced to settle down by society.

If I stay with him and he is agreeing to disagree, I will cheat on him. And that is something I swore I never would do. I can't stay with him if he disagrees. It's not fair to either of us. I have to hope that he takes this badly and gives me an out. I shouldn't have kissed him. It just happened. I think I might need a punch to the face because I am a complete idiot.

There are three options here.

1. He takes it badly and I am off the hook.
2. He takes it well and shares the same ideology, and I am left to muddle through and settle but will at least not have to feel guilty about not wanting to go to church.
3. He takes it badly but wants to give it the old college try and agree to disagree.

I waffle between thinking that 3 and 2 are the worst options. I like this guy. I really do, but not really in a romantic kind of way. This talk needs to happen sooner rather than later and I don't think there is really anyway that I am going to get out of this without hurting someones feelings, and I have a feeling that they are going to be mine. I am a dumper by nature, but I am the kind that hates to do it so I keep going with the relationship until I convince the other person to break up with me instead. I am the worst person ever.

Are there more soul freezing words than "Do you want to make it Facebook official?"

This will not end well... and yet I keep going forward.