Come to Jesus Meeting... in and entirely not-religious way.

I do not want to have this conversation. It is never fun to pull down the wool and completely shatter what someone has imagined you to be. I feel like Margo. I wish he had imagined me more complexly. If he has, maybe I wouldn't have to explain to him that religion is not that important to me and that I believe that it exists only as an important social institution, not because anything they say is true. I think that more than the fact that I'm not a "believer," he's going to be a bit shocked at just how liberal I am.

On the bright side, if he still likes me after this, maybe its worth sticking around for. For that matter, maybe he has been hiding the same sorts of things. Hiding isn't the right term. I didn't hide or obfuscate things, it just never came up. If he doesn't, then he's not. Its a pretty clear litmus test. I mean, if we aren't matched, we aren't matched. I just know that this conversation is going to hurt him and freak him out and I don't really get off on causing pain like that. And even if he is okay with the differences between our ideology, do I really want a relationship? I'm leaning towards no on that one. So maybe having this conversation is a gamble that I want to lose. If it ends things, I think we would still be friendly. And that would be nice as I don't want to have to stop going to ballroom dance.

Why do I do this to myself? And to others, for that matter? I knew that I was happy being single, being unattached, and yet I fell into this thing, this whatever-the-hell. And not only did I fall into it, I fell into it with a religious boy who had never been kissed before. And I kissed him. If there is a Hell, I'm going to the special one. Poor Choices = me. plus, am I done sowing my wild oats? I really don't think I am. Hell, I never got started sowing. If I date Matt, I am terrified that I will never get that chance. I'm 20. I really don't want to settle down. But that is what he's offering. If I date him, I can say goodbye to girls and other boys and everything inbetween. I am terrified that I am going to wake up in 15 years with a husband and kids that I hate, or at the very least feel nothing strongly towards. Why do I have such difficulty forming strong emotional connections? Is it just that I haven't met the right person yet, or... That's a lie. I am able to form emotional bonds, until I kiss them. Maybe I should start pulling a Jayne and "never kiss 'em on the mouth." I want to have no strings attached sex and figure out who i am in that realm before I am forced to settle down by society.

If I stay with him and he is agreeing to disagree, I will cheat on him. And that is something I swore I never would do. I can't stay with him if he disagrees. It's not fair to either of us. I have to hope that he takes this badly and gives me an out. I shouldn't have kissed him. It just happened. I think I might need a punch to the face because I am a complete idiot.

There are three options here.

1. He takes it badly and I am off the hook.
2. He takes it well and shares the same ideology, and I am left to muddle through and settle but will at least not have to feel guilty about not wanting to go to church.
3. He takes it badly but wants to give it the old college try and agree to disagree.

I waffle between thinking that 3 and 2 are the worst options. I like this guy. I really do, but not really in a romantic kind of way. This talk needs to happen sooner rather than later and I don't think there is really anyway that I am going to get out of this without hurting someones feelings, and I have a feeling that they are going to be mine. I am a dumper by nature, but I am the kind that hates to do it so I keep going with the relationship until I convince the other person to break up with me instead. I am the worst person ever.