Blargle

Alright, so since last we spoke, I have:

• dumped the boy
• dated him again
• dumped him again
• had a come-to-jesus meeting (in an entirely religious way)
• and missed her all the more.

School is hard, things are changing, and I don't have anyone to really talk to about it. Not someone that I had that history and shorthand with. Now my life is a constant battle to decide what I can and should share with each particular group of people. Do I tell about poor relationship decisions? Do I tell about stupid things that I have let myself get pulled into? I know that these people won't judge me for them outright. That they love the sinner and will love me anyway. And if they don't, screw them. It's more that I am not sure that I want to be that person anymore. I don't know if I want to share history that may cause them to look at me in a different way. I want to live commiserate with my values, but I am struggling to decide if who I am now and who I am with now needs to have active knowledge of my past. We are who we are because of our experiences, but do people need to know how I got to be who I am, or can they just enjoy the final package? It gets lonely not having anyone fully in the know. I feel like I am always a little bit aside because I am having to make friends with people who have a complex history that I am not a part of and they aren't a part of mine.

In conclusion, what she did was crap and it has long reaching consequences that affect more than just the friendship. She made a horrible choice that screwed me over. She told me she loved me, I said the same, and I get punished for it. I am glad that I am together enough to be able to see that this will have a point to it, that everything happens for a reason even if I can't see it right now. I just wish I could fast forward to that point in my life. I really wish I could see how she is doing right now. I'm sick of being the bigger person who sacrifices for her. That is what I always did. I held my tongue throughout my friendship with her, throughout all of the things that happened, and I was fine with that because deep down I knew she loved me in some way. Then I get that confirmed and she runs away while pushing me down. I thought I was the girl she thought was worth fighting for and I wasn't.

And now, as always, I'm whining.

So I wasn't that girl to her and our whole relationship was built on a misconception. So what? I need to move the frak on. I will find the one worth fighting for and God willing they will see me the same way. Who cares whether they are male or female or close or far or soon or later. It will happen. Or it won't. In the meantime, it has to become my priority to become okay with that. I need to be happy with all the things I have now. I have family that drive me crazy, but will always be there for me and I for them. I have a new church who just wants me to find happiness and peace and help others get to that point as well. I have new/old friends who have come out of the woodwork and back into my life that don't know me all that well, but I know that I could call any of them and they would try to help me in any way that they could. I have plenty of things to be happy about. And plenty of things to occupy my time. Even if I got her back, it wouldn't be the same. We lost any chance at happiness together months ago. I know how she scores the games now, so I'm not going to be able to fall back together how we were. And that is deeply saddening and makes me cry, but there is nothing I can do about it. So why don't I focus on the things that I can actually change.